I'm looking at some old pictures and it just makes me feel so embarrased to be me. A lot these pictures make no sense for me to even have. I don't think I was even a person back then. I still am not. I hate the footprints I leave.
I want to make an overview of the things I was into throught my life, my thoughts, etc. but it just makes me feel dirty.
I want to erase everything. I don't know why, I don't need to and it would be inconvinient but I feel overwhelmed. There's so much clutter everywhere.
I don't like the things I used to, but I'm afraid of trying something different. I think that the things I used to like were a diresct result of denying reality and my self. So this idea of just being me terrifies me. My whole life I've just been a bunch of pseudonyms online. I've never really been present anywhere. There is no record of ME online. Don't have personal social media accounts, don't have friends, I've never made an impact in anyone's life besides my family.
The internet has always been the one place where I could get a taste of what it's like to be normal. If I feel lonely, all I have to do is play a multiplayer game, and chat with whoever is on. I still have zero life experiences so I avoid interacting beyond what the game requires me to but it soothes my loneliness. If I need to vent I go to Reddit, Discord, forums. It's anonymous and there's sometimes people who can relate to me. I also learn to express my feelings better. However, this has also made me more conscious of the disparity between my quality of life and others'. Everyone else has stories to tell, they're more fleshed out and have better social skills. They don't NEED others, they just hang out with people for fun. They are a bit cruel in the way they deal wioth each other. They have no trouble hurting each other and getting hurt. I'm too fragile and alone to survive.
Recently I've started going to the gym, and I've become more aware of how disgusting my body is compared to everyone elses'. I have always known I'm undesirable but I didn't realize I wasn't just undesirable but outright ugly. And I'm just becoming more aware of how I have chosen to cope with this. For some reason I couldn't connect my expiriences and actions to the words used to describe them. It's difficult to do still. I have to have some kind of brain damage.
I should be eating less, I should be less 'me' before the inevitable. But I'm doing the opposite, and I need to remember that I'm here for a short time. I have taken more than I will ever give back already, hurting those around me and I'll hurt them even more and this guilt is nearly suffocating. I'm doing nothing with this 'time' anyway. I've never had a life. I don't even know how I'll make it happen yet. I threw away my chance last time and I know I screwed up. I have no idea how I'll get over the fear but hopefully the less I avoid my problems, and let myself feel the hurt, I might end up eagerly doing it.
I'm not sleeping well so it's hard to write.